The Importance of having Positive and Supportive People in Your Life

I recently read an article about friendship that was eye-opening. I want to share it so others may benefit from it as well.

The Power of Positive People 
Are your friendships giving you a boost or bringing you down?

My favorite quote from the article:

“Life is too short to be around negative people.”

This article was especially timely for me since I recently had to step away from an online group I was a part of. With some distance, I realized how a few people in the group were having a consistent negative effect on me.  I doubt their intentions were malicious and that they intended to behave in such a way but it finally became clear that it wasn't healthy to stay in that situation.  Better late than never I suppose.

Life Lessons

I recently read letters written by the author Rainer Maria Rilke. He sent  these letters to his friend Mr. Knopps. Rainer provides thoughtful and moving advice to his friend to help him gain perspective on the life difficulties that he is facing. There is an immense amount of wisdom in Rainer's words and he helped me gain clarity on various issues that I think about in my own life. My hope is that by sharing these thoughts, I can help others with their difficulties as well.

Rainer begins by discussing the importance of remembering our inner worth even when we find ourselves in difficult external circumstances:

And even if you found yourself in some prison, whose walls let in none of the world’s sounds—wouldn’t you still have your childhood, that jewel beyond all price, that treasure house of memories?

It's important to remember that even during our struggles and when life isn't going in the direction we want, we still have a rich inner world that we have cultivated and formed throughout our lifetime. This internal value cannot be taken away from us even when our surroundings have changed for the worse.  We can tap into this core and use it as a source of emotional strength to help us persevere through arduous times.

Related to this idea is exploring our inner selves to discover solutions to our problems and for tapping our creativity:

Sir, I can’t give you any advice but this: to go into yourself and see how deep the place is from which your life flows; at its source you will find the answer to the question whether you must create.

Often times, going deep into ourselves can be a terrifying experience and it potentially scares many people because they end up being viewed as someone who “takes things too seriously” and “overthinks” everything. Additionally, if one does not have experience with introspection then the inner world has remained largely unexplored. If something is unexplored, it contains numerous uncertainties and unknowns. Such an environment (whether real or in our mind) can be an intimidating place to enter, at least initially. Rainer uses a beautiful metaphor to describe this foreign inner landscape and why it can be frightening:

Because we are alone with the unfamiliar presence that has entered us; because everything we trust and are used to is for a moment taken away from us; because we stand in the midst of a transition where we cannot remain standing.

Furthermore, such introspection could have heavy costs because

every person must choose how much truth he can stand. ― Irvin D. Yalom. 

By going down the road of self-awareness, we eventually start discovering issues that are emotionally challenging to confront. For instance, we potentially end up asking questions about life's meaning, what we are meant to devote ourselves to, what it means to lead a fulfilling life, what should be our priorities, and other "big" questions that do not have easy and straightforward answers. Such questions are difficult and intimidating to face directly and a simpler and more tempting solution could be avoidance and distraction.

However, having said that, the “cost” of going down this path is absolutely worth it and we can end up living more honest, genuine, and meaningful lives. We might not be as happy as someone who didn’t go through the same trial but at least we will be more self aware and honest with ourselves. Rainer touches upon this topic as well: 

Nevertheless, even then, this self-searching that I as of you will not have been for nothing. Your life will still find its own paths from there, and that they may be good, rich, and wide is what I wish for you.

The mental and emotional effort that we exert will not be in vain and we can come out the other end as someone who is more prepared to lead a fulfilling life. Additionally, such a deliberate introspective quest can allow us to truly address the root of our anxieties and fears:

The only sadnesses that are dangerous and unhealthy are the ones that we carry around in public in order to drown them out with the noise; like diseases that are treated superficially and foolishly.

Throughout this whole process, Rainer advises a change in our perspective and learning to accept uncertainty and asking questions instead of fearing it and hoping it will go away as soon as possible. He advises

to have patience with everything unresolved in [our] heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language.

He recommends welcoming the mystery and looking at it as a challenging puzzle to discover and solve over time because

it is clear that we must trust in what is difficult.

The more challenging an ordeal is, the more we learn in the process of conquering it. Further, the most worthwhile goals, wants, and desires are difficult to attain and take an immense amount of work and a certain amount of suffering. But, if something is difficult to attain, it's likely that the sense of satisfaction and happiness after attaining it is going to be significant. Additionally, the journey towards the goal itself will be full of growth and self discovery.  This is assuming the goal isn’t rooted in consumerism or anything else equally superficial.

Rainer explores this issue even further with a wonderful metaphor:

Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.

Such a change in perspective is essential for confronting aspects of our lives that create fear and anxiety.

Rainer then continues on to discuss the importance of forming valuable friendships, He believes we should

seek out some simple and true feeling of what [we] have in common with them, which doesn’t necessarily have to alter when [we] change again and again.

Instead of focusing on what an "ideal" friendship is or having a laundry list of restrictions for filtering out who can be our friend and who can't, we should instead focus on core attributes such as how kind and caring the person is. For instance, if we can't have a deep intellectual connection with someone, should we discount them as a potential close friend? What if this individual is caring and is there to support us when we are facing difficult emotional situations? Such a personality trait should not be discounted and it can survive and always be a friendship-strengthening force no matter what kinds of changes we go through. A friend who cares about us is always a blessing, both during difficult and favorable times.

However, if we do end up failing to form close friendships, Rainer has additional advice:

If there is nothing you can share with other people, try to be close to Things; they will not abandon you; and the nights are still there, and the winds that move through the trees and across many lands; everything in the world of Things and animals is still filled with happening, which you can take part in.

If we find ourselves being consistently disappointed and hurt by the people in our lives, we should cultivate hobbies, learn to appreciate time spent in nature, and have solitary activities that we can be involved in as a way of coping with interpersonal shortcomings and struggles.  This isn't an ideal path to take since it involves further isolation but it's perhaps better than doing nothing at all and becoming even more idle and potentially depressed.

Rainer also discusses the importance of moving past personal boundaries and expanding our horizons. He uses an apt metaphor to make his point:

If we imagine this being of the individual as a larger or smaller room, it is obvious that most people come to know only one corner of their room, one spot near the window, one narrow strip on which they keep walking back and forth. In this way they have a certain security.

We are often times tempted to settle for security instead of exploration or going past our boundaries. Being cautious provides us with comfort and security and such a path is quite tempting. A sense of security is comforting in the short term but it gains us nothing in the long-term and it stifles growth.

Rainer also has encouraging advice for getting through our melancholic days:

But in every sickness there are many days when the doctor can do nothing but wait. And that is what you, insofar as you are your own doctor, must now do, more than anything else.

It's true that sometimes the only way to power through a low point is to do our best to simply wait it out. Depending on how serious the issue is, sometimes a single night's rest can do wonders in changing our outlook and mood. However, for more serious situations, it could take considerably longer. But the underlying idea should not be forgotten: the passage of time can have a healing effect. 

And finally, let's not forget that going through difficult times and experiencing emotional setbacks can give us a unique insight into helping others during their times of most need:

And if there is one more thing that I must say to you, it is this: Don’t think that the person who is trying to comfort you now lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes give you much pleasure. His life has much trouble and sadness, and remains far behind yours. If it were otherwise, he would never have been able to find those words.

Sometimes, the words "I know, I've been there and it does get better. Let's talk. I'm here to listen" can mean the world to a person who might be at their lowest point. Them realizing that we have experienced something similar to what they are feeling now can help immensely and allow them to trust us to listen to them non-judgmentally.  Being there for someone and having them feel heard can have immense emotional benefits, but if the person also knows that we have relevant personal experience, then they are even more likely to feel comfortable and share their innermost troubles with us.

I hope Rainer Maria Rilke's thoughtful commentary and beautiful metaphors can help others as much as they helped me. That is my goal for sharing this.

Friendship

I imagine many philosophers and great thinkers have pondered upon the topic of Friendship and explored it from many angles. I will confess my ignorance on the matter from the beginning and clearly state I have not read any major work on this subject. I simply want to share my own experiences and thoughts on Friendship for whoever would like to read it.

A consistent theme has appeared in my life as I have gotten older; it has become progressively more difficult to create new friendships and to sustain life in friendships formed during my high school and college years (i.e. my "younger years"). As a result, I have thought about this issue more as I have become increasingly isolated and felt more lonely. What is needed to foster and preserve a meaningful friendship? What kinds of characteristics does a strong friendship have? Why does it seem to become harder to form new friendships as one gets older? I don't have clear answers for any of these questions, but it's worth to at least candidly think about these issues.

In regards to sustaining friendships, I have learned that it takes mutual effort to keep a friendship alive. Over the years, I have grown apart from several close friends because I was the friend who was consistently putting forth effort to preserve the friendship. It's not pleasant being in such a situation because you eventually become resentful towards the individual who is not putting any effort to nurture the companionship. Of course, in my younger days, I was too immature to discuss my resentment openly and the easiest response was to simply stop putting forth effort and hoping that the other person would realize on their own that they must carry their own weight. Unfortunately, none of my friends came upon this realization and the friendship slowly withered away. This brings us to the another lesson for maintaining camaraderie; open and direct communication about the status of the friendship. Regrettably, this is a difficult trait to cultivate because men are generally inexperienced at discussing their feelings and emotional problems, especially with fellow men. As a result, important issues often do not get discussed and we are back to resentment and drifting apart.

Assuming a friendship does survive and thrive, does it necessarily mean the connection is meaningful? I imagine most of us know what a surface-level and shallow friendship can feel like. But what does a deeper connection entail? This is an issue I think about often and there is no single answer. However, I believe most strong friendships contain certain characteristics.  A true friend is consistently available to listen to you non-judgmentally, especially during your lowest points and your most difficult struggles. They do not shy away when the situation gets heavy and emotional. They are willing to be honest with you and tell you things you don't want to hear but need to hear. They are open and care about problems that arise in the friendship and make effort to discuss the issues openly and directly. They do not get jealous at your accomplishments and share your joy whenever good things come your way. And as hinted at before, they are willing to reciprocate and believe in putting forth mutual effort in sustaining the companionship.  I am sure there are many other factors involved but these are the main ones that I have experienced in my own life and view to be important.

Strong friendships can make one's life richer, more meaningful, and lead to substantial growth. Sadly, they seem more difficult to come by as one gets older. There are many potential reasons for this but one primary cause seems to appear often; we get progressively more busy as we get older. We advance in our careers and have more responsibilities, resulting in our job taking up more of our time and energy. Additionally, most of us eventually get married and have children and we understandably become very committed to our family and have to spend time with them as often as possible. Another unfortunate cause is that we become more set in our ways as we get older. We believe we know what are our preferences are and what kinds of people we are willing to be around and comfortable with. As a result, we don't give many potential friends a chance because of our pre-existing notions on who they are and why they might not be a good fit for us. We become less flexible and open-minded in accepting people who are different from us. We understand the importance of accepting others from an intellectual standpoint but from a practical standpoint (i.e. considering a close friendship with someone), we can often times be quite closed-minded.

Sadly, true long-term friends are hard to come by. Treasure them if you have them. Do your best to never let them go.