Advice

I have noticed that when people are giving you advice, they aren't particularly concerned about convincing you of some truth or the necessity to change your ways/etc. Often times, they are trying to convince themselves of something they are having difficulty accepting. If you agree with what they say, it validates their views and makes it more likely that they themselves will buy into the advice as well. It's a form of external validation.

It's frustrating to be in such a situation because you are essentially being used by the person for self validation. Even though you are the one seeking advice, they are still focusing on themselves, not you. You have to wonder then, how useful is their advice since they are thinking about themselves, whether they realize it or not.

Life Lessons From Plants

These days, it seems that the start of any hobby is a few Google searches away and the willingness to consistently devote time to it. I’ve recently taken an interest in indoor plants and propagating outdoor succulents. For those who aren’t aware of succulent propagation, there are two main methods of spreading them.  One method is to simply collect leaves and place them on top of damp soil. You then place the soil near a window and wait between 6-8 weeks until the leaves start sprouting roots. The roots eventually form into new baby succulents and the “mother” leaves (that the roots originated from) shrivel up and fall away. At this point, the new tiny succulents can be planted and grow on their own.

The second propagation method involves cutting a small piece from a bigger succulent. The piece should ideally have a few healthy leaves. After the stem is cut from the original plant, it’s best to wait 2-3 days to give time for the incision wound to callous over and dry up. After it’s dry, the stem can be planted. The wait time before planting is required to ensure that the succulent doesn’t absorb too much water when it’s planted. Too much water is the most common way to kill a succulent.

With that said, please do your own research before deciding to propagate or care for a succulent. I am not a professional and these are just quick lessons from my own limited experience and research.

Propagating using leaves

Propagating using the stem

This experience of caring for succulents and attempting to propagate them has taught me a very hands-on lesson in patience. All of us intellectually understand that being patient is a desirable characteristic in professional, social, and personal settings. We understand, in theory, what are proper ways of leading our lives. For instance, we know that we shouldn’t jump to conclusions or make quick assumptions, we understand the importance to keeping our cool during emotionally charged situations, we realize that we should ideally make decisions with our future wellbeing in mind, and we conceptually grasp many other life lessons. Unfortunately, in practice, we often times do not accept these valuable lessons and change our behavior accordingly and live in a more responsible way. It’s unclear why this is the case. I have experienced this shortcoming in my own life and I have observed it numerous times in others as well. In my own experience, what allows me to accept an idea in practice, and not just intellectually, is going through a unique and powerful experience that forever changes my perspective from that point onward. For instance, if a particular individual is not fond of saving money and having an “emergency fund” to rely on, the experience of nearly getting evicted from their apartment can finally push them towards changing their behavior. This particular individual potentially understands the importance of saving money in theory and at an intellectual level. However, this life lesson will not truly sink in until he experiences the real stress and intense worry of nearly being evicted. If someone is not affected at a deep emotional level, they are unlikely to make any real changes in their life.

Plants have also taught me the importance of accepting and being comfortable with uncertainty. For instance, if a plant is doing poorly and it’s potentially going to wither away, there are certain steps that you can take to save it. You can water it more (or less if you have been overdoing it). You can fortify the soil with nutrients. You can try keeping the soil as dry as possible if there is a fungus growing on it. There are many potential solutions available depending on the nature of the problem. However, none of these interventions are a guarantee that the plant will survive and thrive once again. You have to accept the very real possibility that the plant is going to die no matter what. This was a difficult lesson for me to accept because I (and I assume many others) am used to identifying problems and implementing solutions that are very likely to work. This is the nature of many routine problems we will face throughout our lives. However, sooner or later, we come upon a problem that refuses to yield and it’s not clear what can actually be done to fix the issue. This is especially relevant for emotional and mental problems. There are steps you can take (such as seeing a therapist, practicing meditation, addressing stressful relationships, etc...) to address the issue but none of the solutions are guaranteed to make the problem go away. They simply have a chance of making you feel better and there are no certainties or guarantees. This final point, accepting the absence of certainty, is especially important for dealing with life’s most difficult and terrifying problems. As farfetched as it sounds, working with plants (or gardening) can help with accepting this crucial lesson.

A recent annoyance also taught me another important lesson. A few coworkers and I recently created a succulent garden in the outdoor patio of our 9^th floor office. We tried to plan for every potential problem but we still failed to foresee one major dilemma: pigeons. We quickly realized that our young plants were being attacked and destroyed by pigeons. It has been difficult for me to cope with this disappointment since I had spent so much of my time and effort on this project. This had been a project that was close to my heart. I was emotionally invested in it. This latest problem is teaching me an important lesson in humility and unpredictability. No matter how extensively we plan ahead, there are going to be problems that arise and completely take us by surprise. Even after visiting multiple gardening stores and nurseries and seeking advice, no one had mentioned the possibility of birds destroying the plants. This experience is also teaching me to accept the potential loss of something I’ve worked very hard on. Even if we care immensely about a particular project and we work on it as properly as possible, this does not guarantee success; it simply increases the chances of success. The success chance will never reach 100% and become a guarantee. This is another difficult life lesson to understand and internalize.

Ultimately, you can find yourself agreeing with numerous ideas on how to lead a rich and meaningful life. However, most of the lessons we encounter will often times not truly sink in until we go through a powerful experience that hammers the point home and we can feel the change in our emotional cores. Once emotions are genuinely engaged, real behavioral change has a chance of sprouting.  

Life Lessons

I recently read letters written by the author Rainer Maria Rilke. He sent  these letters to his friend Mr. Knopps. Rainer provides thoughtful and moving advice to his friend to help him gain perspective on the life difficulties that he is facing. There is an immense amount of wisdom in Rainer's words and he helped me gain clarity on various issues that I think about in my own life. My hope is that by sharing these thoughts, I can help others with their difficulties as well.

Rainer begins by discussing the importance of remembering our inner worth even when we find ourselves in difficult external circumstances:

And even if you found yourself in some prison, whose walls let in none of the world’s sounds—wouldn’t you still have your childhood, that jewel beyond all price, that treasure house of memories?

It's important to remember that even during our struggles and when life isn't going in the direction we want, we still have a rich inner world that we have cultivated and formed throughout our lifetime. This internal value cannot be taken away from us even when our surroundings have changed for the worse.  We can tap into this core and use it as a source of emotional strength to help us persevere through arduous times.

Related to this idea is exploring our inner selves to discover solutions to our problems and for tapping our creativity:

Sir, I can’t give you any advice but this: to go into yourself and see how deep the place is from which your life flows; at its source you will find the answer to the question whether you must create.

Often times, going deep into ourselves can be a terrifying experience and it potentially scares many people because they end up being viewed as someone who “takes things too seriously” and “overthinks” everything. Additionally, if one does not have experience with introspection then the inner world has remained largely unexplored. If something is unexplored, it contains numerous uncertainties and unknowns. Such an environment (whether real or in our mind) can be an intimidating place to enter, at least initially. Rainer uses a beautiful metaphor to describe this foreign inner landscape and why it can be frightening:

Because we are alone with the unfamiliar presence that has entered us; because everything we trust and are used to is for a moment taken away from us; because we stand in the midst of a transition where we cannot remain standing.

Furthermore, such introspection could have heavy costs because

every person must choose how much truth he can stand. ― Irvin D. Yalom. 

By going down the road of self-awareness, we eventually start discovering issues that are emotionally challenging to confront. For instance, we potentially end up asking questions about life's meaning, what we are meant to devote ourselves to, what it means to lead a fulfilling life, what should be our priorities, and other "big" questions that do not have easy and straightforward answers. Such questions are difficult and intimidating to face directly and a simpler and more tempting solution could be avoidance and distraction.

However, having said that, the “cost” of going down this path is absolutely worth it and we can end up living more honest, genuine, and meaningful lives. We might not be as happy as someone who didn’t go through the same trial but at least we will be more self aware and honest with ourselves. Rainer touches upon this topic as well: 

Nevertheless, even then, this self-searching that I as of you will not have been for nothing. Your life will still find its own paths from there, and that they may be good, rich, and wide is what I wish for you.

The mental and emotional effort that we exert will not be in vain and we can come out the other end as someone who is more prepared to lead a fulfilling life. Additionally, such a deliberate introspective quest can allow us to truly address the root of our anxieties and fears:

The only sadnesses that are dangerous and unhealthy are the ones that we carry around in public in order to drown them out with the noise; like diseases that are treated superficially and foolishly.

Throughout this whole process, Rainer advises a change in our perspective and learning to accept uncertainty and asking questions instead of fearing it and hoping it will go away as soon as possible. He advises

to have patience with everything unresolved in [our] heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language.

He recommends welcoming the mystery and looking at it as a challenging puzzle to discover and solve over time because

it is clear that we must trust in what is difficult.

The more challenging an ordeal is, the more we learn in the process of conquering it. Further, the most worthwhile goals, wants, and desires are difficult to attain and take an immense amount of work and a certain amount of suffering. But, if something is difficult to attain, it's likely that the sense of satisfaction and happiness after attaining it is going to be significant. Additionally, the journey towards the goal itself will be full of growth and self discovery.  This is assuming the goal isn’t rooted in consumerism or anything else equally superficial.

Rainer explores this issue even further with a wonderful metaphor:

Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.

Such a change in perspective is essential for confronting aspects of our lives that create fear and anxiety.

Rainer then continues on to discuss the importance of forming valuable friendships, He believes we should

seek out some simple and true feeling of what [we] have in common with them, which doesn’t necessarily have to alter when [we] change again and again.

Instead of focusing on what an "ideal" friendship is or having a laundry list of restrictions for filtering out who can be our friend and who can't, we should instead focus on core attributes such as how kind and caring the person is. For instance, if we can't have a deep intellectual connection with someone, should we discount them as a potential close friend? What if this individual is caring and is there to support us when we are facing difficult emotional situations? Such a personality trait should not be discounted and it can survive and always be a friendship-strengthening force no matter what kinds of changes we go through. A friend who cares about us is always a blessing, both during difficult and favorable times.

However, if we do end up failing to form close friendships, Rainer has additional advice:

If there is nothing you can share with other people, try to be close to Things; they will not abandon you; and the nights are still there, and the winds that move through the trees and across many lands; everything in the world of Things and animals is still filled with happening, which you can take part in.

If we find ourselves being consistently disappointed and hurt by the people in our lives, we should cultivate hobbies, learn to appreciate time spent in nature, and have solitary activities that we can be involved in as a way of coping with interpersonal shortcomings and struggles.  This isn't an ideal path to take since it involves further isolation but it's perhaps better than doing nothing at all and becoming even more idle and potentially depressed.

Rainer also discusses the importance of moving past personal boundaries and expanding our horizons. He uses an apt metaphor to make his point:

If we imagine this being of the individual as a larger or smaller room, it is obvious that most people come to know only one corner of their room, one spot near the window, one narrow strip on which they keep walking back and forth. In this way they have a certain security.

We are often times tempted to settle for security instead of exploration or going past our boundaries. Being cautious provides us with comfort and security and such a path is quite tempting. A sense of security is comforting in the short term but it gains us nothing in the long-term and it stifles growth.

Rainer also has encouraging advice for getting through our melancholic days:

But in every sickness there are many days when the doctor can do nothing but wait. And that is what you, insofar as you are your own doctor, must now do, more than anything else.

It's true that sometimes the only way to power through a low point is to do our best to simply wait it out. Depending on how serious the issue is, sometimes a single night's rest can do wonders in changing our outlook and mood. However, for more serious situations, it could take considerably longer. But the underlying idea should not be forgotten: the passage of time can have a healing effect. 

And finally, let's not forget that going through difficult times and experiencing emotional setbacks can give us a unique insight into helping others during their times of most need:

And if there is one more thing that I must say to you, it is this: Don’t think that the person who is trying to comfort you now lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes give you much pleasure. His life has much trouble and sadness, and remains far behind yours. If it were otherwise, he would never have been able to find those words.

Sometimes, the words "I know, I've been there and it does get better. Let's talk. I'm here to listen" can mean the world to a person who might be at their lowest point. Them realizing that we have experienced something similar to what they are feeling now can help immensely and allow them to trust us to listen to them non-judgmentally.  Being there for someone and having them feel heard can have immense emotional benefits, but if the person also knows that we have relevant personal experience, then they are even more likely to feel comfortable and share their innermost troubles with us.

I hope Rainer Maria Rilke's thoughtful commentary and beautiful metaphors can help others as much as they helped me. That is my goal for sharing this.