Thinking about this quote today as I consider my daily and weekly routines:

How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.

At this point, I need to stop being in denial.  I've settled in my ways and it's unlikely that there will be any major life changes until some inevitable major health problem forces me to reorganize my life to adapt to the more limited reality I will find myself in.

At first, I felt defeated. 

But after sitting with it further, is it really that bad? I keep making art and I plant trees and repair hiking trails on weekends.  Decades later, when i look back upon it all, I will have created however-many artworks and likely planted over a thousand trees. Such an accomplishment is certainly more meaningful and beneficial than the accumulation of wealth, which seems to be a common life goal for most people.

There is no singular "correct " way to lead one's life.  Whatever I'm doing seems good enough.

 

Evenings

 

 

 Years ago, while drunk, a friend told me,,"let's put eyeliner on you."

I was too compromised to disagree.

I consented. 

I didn't necessarily enjoy what I saw in the mirror.  But, I also can't say I didnt look "pretty"

Alcohol is so... confusing.

 This consistent sense of longing and not feeling I'm good enough.  Im so tired of it. It's a type of hunger and dissatisfaction that is ever-present.

Is there a way to get rid of it or lessen its intensity, i wonder.

For the longest time, I thought continual growth and development would dampen its loudness somewhat but that doesn't seem to be the case. It's ever-present

Maybe that's the takeaway.  Make peace with it. It's an unavoidable part of being human.