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Monday, June 18, 2018

A memory

I wish I could remember the exact quote and who said it but today I was reminded of a podcast I had heard in the past and the guest was speaking about her rough past and how she got through it. She made a point that stuck with me.

The gist of her explanation was that bad stuff happens to people all the time and to deal with it, they create an explanation for it and think it all "happened for a reason." I am sure we have all heard people say this and there is nothing wrong with it I think because it's a coping mechanism and I don't see the harm in it. The podcast guest went on and said that stuff does NOT happen to us "for a reason." Shit just happens and we search for reasons and meaning after the fact to try to make sense of the randomness and indifference of the universe.

I don't know if it's pessimistic to truly accept the fact that reality and bad luck are mostly random and there is no rhyme or reason behind it. In a sense, thinking like this allows you to perhaps live life in a more carefree and uncaged way. But at the same time, this could put you at risk of thinking everything is meaningless and nothing really matters. That kind of a perspective can rob life of its joys and that's no fun either.

I don't know where I stand on this issue. It's something I have thought about over time but have never come upon a clear answer for myself. Maybe that's fine. Clear answers are rare.


After almost 4.5 years of administering the estates of lonely dead folks, I am about to start a new job in about 2 weeks time.

I had never assumed that I would be sad over leaving such a morbid occupation but now that I am actually in a situation where I am about to make this big (relatively speaking) change, I can't help but mourn what I am about to lose.

Over the course of these past few years, I had managed to become so effective at this odd job of mine (most people have no idea that the department I work at even exists... we are that obscure and work mostly in the background), that I got away with having various perks that are likely very rare among the white collar workforce. Well, I assume it's rare for anyone who is not in the programming field. If my brother's experience is any indication, those fools have immense amount of freedom since they are so sought after and employers don't want to piss them off and make them leave for positions with other companies.

I am going to miss the benefits I had carved out at this job. One such perk was having roughly 2 hours every day where I would practice drawing. In the middle of the office, with all kinds of managers constantly walking by my cubicle with direct sight of me, I would sit for at least 2 hours a day and work on various art projects. I would consistently have dozens of color pencils spread out over my work-space and constantly be working on my next art project every single work day. What are the chances that I can create such a situation at any other job? What are the chances that any employer in their right mind would tolerate such behavior from an employee whose work responsibilities have nothing to do with art?

Another bonus at this job is my garden. On the 9th floor of an office building, I had managed to get approval to convert the patio space outside into a succulent garden. I have taken care of this garden and kept it thriving for over 2 years and now I am about to leave it behind. I inevitably once again ask myself what other employer would allow an employee to create and tend a garden at a position that is not remotely related to plants and gardening?

Plants and art... these two things make me very happy and I had managed to sneak them into a job that dealt with death. I don't know if I will ever manage to achieve a similar situation again and this realization feels like an intense punch in the gut.

Onward I suppose. On to new things and all that bullshit.

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