Thoughts and Moments

Lately I have been thinking about what it means to have an exciting or meaningful life.  Choose whatever positive adjective you want before the word life.  How do you know if your life generally meets such a standard? Is this even a fair question to ask?  It seems like at some point you do need to ask or else you won't really know if you are stuck in a mundane life.  The idea of a "boring" and quiet life came especially to the forefront today while I was thinking about finally being able to afford to buy property.  My mother suggested a quiet and safe place like Burbank and all I could think about was being stuck in this town my whole life and being especially tied down once I have a place of my own.  I recall reading a study years ago that found over 90% of people never leave their childhood town.  I clearly remember thinking how that would never be me and of course I would have the courage to not be comfortably tied to a single place my whole life.  I thought how absolutely boring such a reality would be.

Now, things feel very different.  Am I afraid to admit to myself that I am satisfied with an uneventful life and I don't care about much else?  I feel like my inner world is alive and full of passion and it spills out into reality in the form of art and music but I can't help but think I am meant for something more.  I've been seduced by all the comfort, financial security, and safety.  I am afraid to look more deeply into myself and ask truly difficult questions that have answers I don't want to hear.  At times like these, I can't help but remember an ex who had the drive and determination to head to Africa without much hesitation.  Another one headed to Armenia.  I've always admired and also feared such people.  Their courage shines a light on parts of me I hate and wish I could change.  My fear manifests itself in the form of bitterness and jealousy.  What traits do they have that allow them to make such choices?  Why do I lack those characteristics?

I see so many around me with clear and straightforward goals of getting married, having children, and starting a family.  Part of me has that desire as well and understands the appeal of such a life.  But another part of also has deep doubts over whether I would be satisfied if I went down that path.  Years down the road, I can't help but think I will find myself amidst a state of intense restlessness while having a wife and child.  They obviously wouldn't deserve the stress of dealing with someone like me who would be struggling with such issues.

All these terms: Boring, Mundane, Comfort, Safety, Quiet, Meaningful, Exciting, etc... Trying to grapple with socially constructed terms and nailing down clear definitions for gooey words has been a consistent place that my mind seems to wander to when it's left alone.  I wish I had answers to all of the questions above but I never do.  I can't come upon a satisfying conclusion.