I had an interesting dream last night. I am not sure what triggered this one so I am not going to bother with trying to figure out the potential cause.

I do not recall the circumstances or the context but my dad had a central role to play. He was in some kind of emotional pain and distress. He was crying and I was hugging him. In real life, I don't recall ever hugging my dad and the only times I have seen him cry have been when one of our dogs has passed away.

My brother was there and my mother as well but I don't remember them saying anything. They were both mostly quiet and I was the one doing the talking and explaining what was happening. I don't remember much but I clearly recall uttering the phrase "No.. he must go through this. He must suffer. The emotional pain is necessary. He needs to get through this to grow and transform into a new person."

What I was saying in the dream is likely related to what I have felt in real life. Whenever I have observed close father-son relationships, I have always admired what I saw but I have also been envious because I have never felt genuinely close with my father. We are simply too different in fundamental ways and our worldviews do not match at all. I've had "what if" thoughts about my father and how maybe one day he will grow as a person and we can finally relate and have meaningful interactions. I believe that any substantial transformation of this sort would likely involve the person going through a powerful experience that would trigger notable changes. People don't just change suddenly after they have settled into their long-term patterns. It takes a truly life-changing event to shake someone off the path they are currently on.

In my dream, I assume this transformation was finally happening to my father and I was there helping him through it. At this point, I have lost any hope that my father will change into a better person but I guess my subconscious is still clinging to the idea and it manifested itself in this dream.

"If you are ever tempted to look for outside approval, realize that you have compromised your integrity. If you need a witness, be your own." 

—Epictetus

“A man when he has done a good act, does not call out for others to come and see, but he goes on to another act, as a vine goes on to produce again the grapes in season.” —Marcus Aurelius

Some old photos I like

Art

Imma keep practicin' no matter how frustrating this instrument gets.

Recent work

 

What's the real life equivalent of a Facebook "like" anyways?

I was recently reading "Love Illuminated: Exploring Life's Most Mystifying Subject" by Daniel Jones and this particular passage about getting positive feedback on social media caught my attention:

This random admiration can feel like the equivalent of a stranger coming up behind you in a bar, tapping you on the shoulder, and saying, 'Sorry, But I couldn't help overhearing what you were saying just now, and I just wanted to tell you how brilliant and funny I thought it was. I could listen to you all day and night. In fact, would you mind if I just sat next to you on this stool and waited for you to make smart and witty remarks?' 

 How often has that happened to you in a bar? Never. It has never happened to anyone in a bar. Yet online it's happening to someone every second of every day.

I believe his analogy is somewhat exaggerated and the point he's trying to make gets muddled as a result but the overall idea of social approval through electronic means is a fascinating topic.  When someone "likes" something you post or say online, how does this translate to a real life situation?  Is it someone walking up to you and giving a thumbs up, not saying anything further, and then walking away? Is it like getting a pat on the back and someone telling you "great job.. that was a nice one!"? Perhaps there is no "real life" equivalent at all and it's a unique thing with no point of non-digital comparison. But, I don't buy that argument. Humans are wired to be social creatures and we generally crave social approval and acceptance. Even if the social approval is happening online, our brains still treat it as happening in a very real way, as if it occurred in person.

On a related note, some websites also have a "dislike" or "downvote" feature that users can anonymously use to show disapproval of what you have said.  What kind of effect does this feature have on a person? In many ways, it can feel like being socially ostracized because people are showing their disapproval in a very clear (and explicitly quantified) way. There is now a "number" or "value" attached to the level of disapproval you have received. You can tally up the amount of dislikes and downvotes and the quantity can often times determine how terrible you feel. What's more, some people will also go out of their way and also tell you how they disapprove of you. As before, while all this happens digitally, it does have real life implications when it comes to how we perceive such treatment. While it's not like someone literally coming up to you and angrily and disapprovingly staring at you, it can feel that way to some degree. It's not like someone insulting you in person and being mean, but it does feel like a slightly less intense version of such behavior. These negative experiences can have long-term real-life effects on our emotions and sense of self worth.

Ultimately, what do electronic forms of social approval and disapproval do to us? For instance, I have sometimes shared artwork that has gotten thousands of likes and over 100,000 views (I know this since most platforms now also track how many views your posts get). In real life, I have never ever had my artwork looked at by thousands of people. What would that even involve? Would I have to display a particular piece in a sizable auditorium and have a massive crowd come sit down and briefly admire it? I can't help but imagine such ridiculous situations because I have no other real life parallels to consider. When I inevitably visualize such real-life comparisons, it can make real life seem so much duller in comparison to the "fame" I can achieve electronically. Real life can become an inferior substitute since I can never see myself receiving such a huge (relatively speaking) amount of attention in the physical world. The online world becomes alluring and addictive as a result. I get the feeling that a lot of the record levels of anxiety and depression we are seeing these days is tied to issues such as these. By its nature, the online world can feel more exciting and rewarding. It can make real life seem such a drag in comparison.

An even more dangerous aspect of digital forms of approval and disapproval is the idea of your worth essentially being quantified. You aren't simply aware of people approving or disapproving of you, you get to see how many people are doing it. What can such quantification of human value do to someone? Due to my own experience, I have to once again consider the example of art. Let's assume I share a drawing I don't particularly care for and it gets 20 likes. I then share a drawing I am very proud of and I am convinced that it's a superior work when compared to the one I shared before. Now, this newer drawing gets only 5 likes. Rationally, I understand that I shouldn't place value on the amount of likes I received. If I believe it's a good drawing, I should keep believing it and not be discouraged. But at an emotional level, I can't help but start having doubts about my art being crappy or I have gotten worse because I didn't get "enough" likes. I start valuing my talent and ability based on various metrics such as likes and how many views the artwork received. I get sucked into the approval-seeking vortex because of the siren calls of quantified feedback and approval mechanisms.

Let's take the issue of quantified worth a step further. What if you post a selfie? This is an even more personal situation and thinking about real-life parallels can lead to troubling results. Let's assume you count the number of likes the photo received and you subtract out folks who wouldn't be liking the photo due to reasons such as possibly finding you attractive. This group includes family, various friends, etc. But of the remaining amount of likes, depending on how many friends or "followers" you have, it can be dozens of people or even over a hundred. In practical terms, what do these likes mean? Are these people liking the photo because they find you attractive? Are they liking it because they like the way you did your hair? The reasons are many but we are naturally drawn to the ones that stoke the fire of our vanity. In a real life setting, what would these likes mean? You could argue that it's much like dozens of people checking you out while you're out walking or at a bar. For most of us, unless we are very attractive, this rarely happens. This once again creates a situation where the positive feedback we are getting in real life is not matching what we can achieve online. Our online selves can more consistently make us feel more attractive and desired than our real-world selves

I also think that seeking online approval can cheapen our in-person relationships. For instance, think about a situation of a friend sending you a photo they took that they're proud of. You do like the photo and you are happy that they thought of you and shared it specifically with you. However, at a later point, you realize that they shared the same exact photo on their social media account as well to hundreds of their friends. Maybe I am in the minority here but for me, finding out this fact somewhat cheapens the gesture and I no longer feel as special. This person didn't necessarily think of me specifically, I am just one of the hundreds of people they shared the photo with. I can't help but feel less valued as a friend as a result.

I believe we should do a better job of thinking about the social and psychological effects of transferring so much of our social lives into an online context. So far, social scientists have already observed troubling effects and it's unclear what the true extent of the damage is going to be to our collective mental and emotional health. I just wish more people spent time thinking about such issues. I can rarely discuss things of this sort in real life since most people understandably take it personally due to their own use of these online platforms.

"A lot of what we think about as a debate about reason and policy is really a debate over identity and belonging."

-Ezra Klein