Wednesday, December 25, 2019

“Sometimes, all you can do is lie in bed, and hope to fall asleep before you fall apart.” 

— William C. Hannan

Lovely Art


















Lately I have been thinking about what it means to have an exciting or meaningful life.  Choose whatever positive adjective you want before the word life.  How do you know if your life generally meets such a standard? Is this even a fair question to ask?  It seems like at some point you do need to ask or else you won't really know if you are stuck in a mundane life.  The idea of a "boring" and quiet life came especially to the forefront today while I was thinking about finally being able to afford to buy property.  My mother suggested a quiet and safe place like Burbank and all I could think about was being stuck in this town my whole life and being especially tied down once I have a place of my own.  I recall reading a study years ago that found over 90% of people never leave their childhood town.  I clearly remember thinking how that would never be me and of course I would have the courage to not be comfortably tied to a single place my whole life.  I thought how absolutely boring such a reality would be.

Now, things feel very different.  Am I afraid to admit to myself that I am satisfied with an uneventful life and I don't care about much else?  I feel like my inner world is alive and full of passion and it spills out into reality in the form of art and music but I can't help but think I am meant for something more.  I've been seduced by all the comfort, financial security, and safety.  I am afraid to look more deeply into myself and ask truly difficult questions that have answers I don't want to hear.  At times like these, I can't help but remember an ex who had the drive and determination to head to Africa without much hesitation.  Another one headed to Armenia.  I've always admired and also feared such people.  Their courage shines a light on parts of me I hate and wish I could change.  My fear manifests itself in the form of bitterness and jealousy.  What traits do they have that allow them to make such choices?  Why do I lack those characteristics?

I see so many around me with clear and straightforward goals of getting married, having children, and starting a family.  Part of me has that desire as well and understands the appeal of such a life.  But another part of also has deep doubts over whether I would be satisfied if I went down that path.  Years down the road, I can't help but think I will find myself amidst a state of intense restlessness while having a wife and child.  They obviously wouldn't deserve the stress of dealing with someone like me who would be struggling with such issues.

All these terms: Boring, Mundane, Comfort, Safety, Quiet, Meaningful, Exciting, etc... Trying to grapple with socially constructed terms and nailing down clear definitions for gooey words has been a consistent place that my mind seems to wander to when it's left alone.  I wish I had answers to all of the questions above but I never do.  I can't come upon a satisfying conclusion.

Monday, December 23, 2019

Channeling One's Pain

Yesterday I saw the film "Pain and Glory" and it was one of the most emotional and thoughtful films I have seen in a long time.

Rotten Tomatoes has a great summary:
Pain and Glory tells of a series of reencounters experienced by Salvador Mallo, a film director in his physical decline. Some of them in the flesh, others remembered: his childhood in the 60s, when he emigrated with his parents to a village in Valencia in search of prosperity, the first desire, his first adult love in the Madrid of the 80s, the pain of the breakup of that love while it was still alive and intense, writing as the only therapy to forget the unforgettable, the early discovery of cinema, and the void, the infinite void that creates the incapacity to keep on making films. Pain and Glory talks about creation, about the difficulty of separating it from one's own life and about the passions that give it meaning and hope. In recovering his past, Salvador finds the urgent need to recount it, and in that need he also finds his salvation.
The film is layered and has so much beauty in it.  There is no way to properly cover all the topics this movie touches upon.  So, I would like to talk about one issue in particular; creative pursuits as partial antidotes for managing pain.

The main character of the film is in a lot of physical and mental pain.  Among other issues, he is depressed, has chronic back pain, a drug addiction, insomnia, and severe tinnitus.  All of these issues together have placed him in a constant state of mental and physical paralysis and he is unable to do much other than the bare minimum, such as eating, the occasional reading, and sleeping.  He is no longer able to do what he loves, which is directing films.

Throughout the film, characters urge him to write and to apply himself.  They push him to get back into doing what he loves.  But, he constantly resists their pleas and is unable to see past his despair.  However, as the film progresses, we slowly see his transformation and how his art starts to save both himself and another character (who is an actor also struggling with drug addiction).  We see how a particular passion such as acting, writing, or directing is able to break through the haze of depression and paralysis.  When everything else has failed, a creative pursuit is able to bring a person back from the pit of despair and give their life a sense of meaning.  It is able to lift the person back up and allow them to experience some sense of normalcy and once again taste the sweetness of life and being alive.

Perhaps I was especially able to relate to this aspect of the film because in my own life, art and music have been my long-term methods of therapy and self care.  They have gotten me through so many dark periods and continue to play such a stabilizing role in my life.  They have taught me the importance of having passionate pursuits and how essential such things are for creating meaning and beauty in one's life.


Antonio Banderas plays Salvador Mallo in the film.

Saturday, December 21, 2019

LA County Arboretum

I have been here so often that it has become a comfort food of sorts for my mind.  I'm always at peace while I'm there.  Here are selected photos from today's visit.











































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The beginning is perhaps more difficult than anything else, but keep heart, it will turn out all right. -Vincent van Gogh